


Aftermath

by a_r_p



Series: Renegade [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Canon Relationships, Cullavellan - Freeform, Cullenlingus, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fade Kiss, Fade Sex, Fade Tongue, Fluff and Smut, Marriage, Post-Trespasser, Pre-Trespasser, Pregnancy, Smut, Solavellan, Spoilers, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 17:23:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5384111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_r_p/pseuds/a_r_p
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellana Lavellan is left heartbroken by Solas after the defeat of Corypheus and even though she knows that there is more to his disappearance than meets the eye, she is uninterested in finding out what has happened to him. Instead, she knows she deserves a chance at happiness, and can't help but have her attention drawn to the handsome Commander, who she knows has been smitten with her since Haven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She was dumbfounded. Awestruck. Speechless. Elated, confused and filled with dread all at once. An ocean filled with emotions washed over her and she stood, surrounded by crumbling stone. The shock had made her light-headed and the prospect of finally succeeding made her heart momentarily jump into her throat. She stood trembling, muscles about to give way, breathing heavily as the enormity of what she had just achieved had begun to dawn on her. 

"Solas?" 

It was the only name she thought about, the only word she could bring herself to utter in the wake of all the devastation and chaos. Her voice cracked in her dry throat as a prickling sensation burned behind her eyes, a pressure on her sinuses that made her feel as though someone was squeezing her head very hard. She wanted to feel overjoyed at her victory, but the prospect of those lost along the way weighed heavy on her and she wanted to weep; but more importantly, she saw him kneeling there, a single shattered piece in his hands, as though his very soul was lying on the ground before him. 

"The orb." He said, not even turning to face her, not even looking up from the ground. 

"I know you wanted the orb saved" she said "I'm so sorry." 

"It is not _your_ fault." his words strained in his chest as she had trouble believing him. The pained look upon his pale, tired face was almost more than she could bear and despite anything that had happened between them, she wanted nothing more than to hold him firmly in her grasp while he shared his pain with her, revealing a vulnerability she had never seen before. As he lifted himself from the floor, his cold blue eyes pierced her soul, leaving her weak at the knees. She could see a darkness lurking behind them, threads of emotions she could not untangle.

"There's more, isn't there?" 

"It was not supposed to happen this way.” He paused, shifting his weight on his feet, “No matter what happens, I want you to know that what we had was real." 

The words hurt more than she had expected, pushing down on her chest until she could hardly breathe. _What we had. Was. Real. Past tense._ Despite already knowing this, it was still a shock to hear the words out loud. Her world froze momentarily, as her mind drifted to the time they had spent together and she knew this was the end. She desperately searched for fragments of memories, hoping to revive them so that she would never forget. The first kiss in the fade, the kiss on the balcony, the long nights they had spent in her glorious Orlesian bed. 

_“I am grim and fatalistic. Getting you into bed is just an enjoyable side benefit.”_

She chucked inwardly.

 _What's wrong with you Lavellan? This isn’t the time. Besides, that’s one of the last things he said to you before he broke your..._

"Inquisitor? Are you alive?" Cassandra’s thick voice echoed through her consciousness and rang in her ears, banishing any unwanted or dark thoughts that she might have had. She turned around to see her friends, companions, the ones who had saw her through this terrible ordeal. She had laughed and cried with them, fought beside them through blood and sweat, let them guide her. But in that moment, she thought only of Solas and the wretched pain on his face. His words had haunted her, tainting this moment that was meant to be celebratory and triumphant. 

“What do we do now?” Cassandra asked, a trace of uncertainty in her voice. 

Inquisitor Ellana Lavellan, Herald of Andraste, rogue, tempest, saboteur, leader of the Inquisition and purger of heretics from the ranks of the faithful, looked over her shoulder to find him gone. She took a deep breath:

“We go back to Skyhold.”


	2. A Provocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan tries to recount her experiences with Solas in painful detail, in order to relieve some pent up frustrations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW begins here, smut in the next chapter! 
> 
> Enjoy.

The celebrations lasted for days. It would have been weeks if not for Josephine's insistence on a curfew now that Ellana was so under the weather. The vomiting had stopped, but the aching of her muscles and cramps in her lower abdomen still persisted. She sank into a hot bath, watching the steam rise in translucent tendrils before dissolving into the cold, crisp air of Skyhold. Everyone had been sympathetic, as Leliana had said “Perhaps he had no choice. He might return at any moment” but it did not help. The pain she felt daily only subsided when she thought of him, as she did. Regularly. Incessantly. Constantly. 

_Why did you leave? Why did you leave me here alone, to face all of this? Come back to me, vhenan. Please come back to me..._

It was useless. Even if he could hear her, nothing could bring him back if his mind was made up. She knew how stubborn he was. All she could do is recall every memory in painful detail, as though watching her own doomed and miserable life play out before her on a stage. _If I could just touch him one more time..._ she thought. 

And there she was. Her pert behind perched on the edge of his desk in the rotunda, towering images of wolves, templars and traitors looming over her. The smell of fresh pine and sweet tea filled her nostrils as she watched him cross the room towards her, first as a slow glide and then a determined stride. It was late, the halls were quiet and the only thing in the world that mattered was the two of them in that moment.    
_I need this._ She thought to herself… _I can remember._

She did remember. At least, she remembered his soft lips pressing hard against hers, his slim and muscular frame leaning into her, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist as she longed to pull him in closer between her legs. 

"Vhenan..."

"No. Don't speak." She whispered as a she pressed her index finger to his moist mouth. She knew he would only ruin things by overcomplicating them, such was his way. He did not need telling twice. Her command was so soft yet so stern, and he knew what she wanted. He wanted to give her what she wanted, no questions asked. Despite his stoic and reserved nature, he felt the urge to prostrate before her, promising to grant her every wish and please her in any way he could. He thought he was hiding it well, but Ellana could tell what he was thinking by the expression on his face - the kind, puppy-dog eyes and his headed tilted slightly to the side. Instead, she grasped at the hem of his tunic and unceremoniously forced it up over his head. 

She chuckled as she remembered her own surprise at seeing such a muscular frame. _I remember, he wasn't like any of the other elves I'd seen. His figure resembled that of Abelas, and the other sentinels at the vir'Abelasan._ Of course, she didn't know that at the time. This was before she and Morrigan had even met, after he had finally succumbed and kissed her on the balcony. _Was that the day before? No, it was much later. Wait, it was after we had freed his friend Wisdom, in the Exalted Plains? It doesn't matter, just remember how it happened._

She tried to recall every line, every scar, every indentation on his rippling torso. His body seemed to radiate ancient power, almost other-worldly in form and she was undeniably seduced by the pale elf. 

She leant forward to kiss him, she longed to have her mouth caress every inch of him, but he was already moving away.

"No.." 

He pushed her shoulders back so her palms were pressed against the desk and he hurriedly worked at the buttons on her breeches. She was so surprised by this sudden boldness that she did not even take the time to remove any more of her clothing, she just sat there watching him in awe. She lifted herself up to allow him to slide her breeches over her rear, although she had not initially realised he had taken everything with them. There she sat, bare from the waist down, entirely exposed to the cold air of the fortress. Opposing emotions of shame and pride somehow flooded into her cheeks as she remembered she was still wearing her boots. Not one to miss details, Solas began unlacing them carefully and tentatively, gently pulling each string until it fell free from the leather. She was frustrated now that he seemed to lack the enthusiasm he had just a few moments ago, and she tried to kick off her boots hurriedly but he resisted. _Wait..._ she had thought _is he... teasing me?_ Again surprised by his attitude, this time playful as well as stern, she gazed upon him bemused, as though allowing him at least one privilege in this whole sordid affair. Knowing he was older, she acknowledged that he must be plenty more experienced and confident than she, despite being perhaps one of the most reserved people she had ever met. 

He began at her ankles, kissing her smooth, milky skin progressively further towards her thighs. _It's lucky…_ she thought, _that all this tight leather was good for something..._ Her legs were smooth and hairless, partly the product of her elven heritage but also of living in heavy and tight leather armor for weeks at a time. Solas continued to kiss up past her knees to the inside of her thighs. The tantalising sensation made her slide her fingers over his smooth head, squeezing the back of his neck in anticipation. His progress was painfully slow, and Ellana knew he wanted her to savour this moment.

She was suddenly very self-aware, aware of her legs spread wantonly on the polished wood, what should have been wetness between them, her bare behind now chilly with a draft that had made its way through the cracks of the doors. Here he knelt before her, kissing her thighs and making his way to the inevitable place, yet she felt as though something was wrong. There was no passion in the way he held her, the way he kissed her or even the way he breathed on her. She hadn’t known what to expect, but she thought that maybe there was a caged beast in there somewhere, yearning to be released. She shuddered quietly and looked around half-heartedly. She ought to have been turned on from such a risky endeavour, after all, anyone could walk in and see the Inquisitor’s bare backside on the desk, but her muscles betrayed her and tensed under his grasp. 

Solas could tell she had lost her enthusiasm, and in a last ditch attempt he began kneading and grasping at her thighs and behind, kissing the insides of her thighs deeply and coming closer to the centre, but it was no use. 

"I'm sorry." She could hear the childish, pleading tone of her voice and felt a pang of disgust in her sternum as her instincts reminded her of who should really in charge here. 

"Do not worry vhenan" replied Solas, his eyes coming up to meet hers so their faces were almost touching "When you are ready. Sex does not form the basis of this relationship." His cold, blue eyes were pouring into her soul, as they so often did and she suddenly felt her self calm, and muscles relax. 

"I should probably get dressed, it's late."

"Goodnight Inquisitor." 

She shuddered again at the use of her title and she left without saying a word, something she came to regret; a surge of guilt leapt into her throat as she climbed into her bed.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Now out of the bath, Ellana was decidedly frustrated at her own incompetence. She had earned this, he had broken her heart and left her alone, with no explanation, when she was unwell and vulnerable no less. She knew it was probably because of him, the stress of leading the Inquisition coupled with grief and confusion at his loss had pushed her over the edge and now, it was time to take care of herself. 

She slid into the silk bed sheets, skin still wet and slippery from the bubble bath, but the fabric felt divine against her skin, enveloping her in a soft embrace, not unlike the ones she received from Solas. Her mind began to drift again. 

The next night, after the awkward encounter in the rotunda, she had felt herself slip into a faded dream, transported into a world that was not quite real, but real enough to bring chills coursing down her spine. 

It was a river, not unlike the Evanuris in the Exalted Plains, but the colours were far more vivid. There were trees, she couldn't tell what type but they had leaves of lilac, pink and white that cast a kaleidoscope of colours onto the gently flowing water. There was no sun, only a faint green glow that radiated from the distance. She knew immediately that this was no remnant of the fade, it was her pure, untainted fantasy. 

She slipped her naked form into the flowing stream, though it was warm, just how she liked it. Baths were far too infrequent at Skyhold and being in the water was one of her biggest indulgences. After a few minutes, she could feel eyes burning in the back of her skull as her spine protruded slightly from her pale skin on her back. 

Ellana didn't even have to look. She knew who it was immediately, which only made her rise out of the water slower. First her shoulders, with her golden caramel locks slightly stuck to her back from where she'd gone under previously. Then, her bare breasts, rays of light catching from the glistening pearls of water slowly trickling over her erect nipples. Then her abdomen, creamy and taught from long and hard adventures, before the rest of her emerged, dripping wet and gleaming, basking in the glow of of the fade. 

She was a marvel. A picture, and she knew it. She wanted him to see her like this, knowing that she wasn’t really his. They had made no formal arrangement, and he had yet to _claim her._ She could see him standing there, astonished, a tree trunk slightly obscuring his tall and slender frame. She worried she may have to pick his jaw up off the floor, or perhaps another body part. 

"What are _you_ doing here?" She teased, eyes off to the side in aloof candour. 

"I came to see you.”

She knew of course, that he had come to find her and bring her fantasy into the fade so they could dream together, the purpose of which she was sure she knew also. 

"Well, of that much I can be certain. Were you watching me bathe?” She cooed, maintaining her indifferent demeanour. 

“I was merely..." He stuttered

Without even acknowledging him further, she began walking spritely away from him, between the trees and disappearing into the beyond. 

"Wait, vhenan!" 

She ignored his calls, which were beginning to sound more and more desperate, with an undertone of agitation.

_No, stop pleading. Stop asking. Take me, as though your life depended on it. Don't ask my permission, just do it!_

She wanted to make him mad. Foolishness was something he would not tolerate, as Solas was not one for games. Suddenly, she sensed the tone in his voice change. 

"Inquisitor!" 

She liked it when he called her that, at least she liked it when there was some passion in his voice, but she didn't want to be reminded of her own importance at present. She wanted him to unleash, uncage the carnal beast she knew was within him. She had seen it in the Exalted Plains and she wanted him to feel that way about her. That same passion that saw him disintegrate a party of mages on the spot. 

She was still running, the faster she went, the more blurred her surroundings became. The forest they were in now had a green tinge, and the features became less clear, as though she was looking through squinted eyes. She hoped that this game of hers would be enticing enough for him. Ellana knew that Solas would much prefer to sit somewhere, discussing the technicalities of the fade and teaching her to better manipulate it to her advantage when he brought her there, despite not being a mage. She knew it was kind of him to take the time to educate her when he must have better things to do. But what could be better than this?

She slowed as she approached a small clearing, the trees were taller here and soft stars were barely visible among the branches. The forest had now morphed into a midnight blue with silver leaves. The breeze was gone and the faint howling of wolves could be heard from a distance. 

This will be perfect. 

"Inquisitor. Ellana, I have no wish to play games with you. Just tell me what it is you want.” 

Breathless, Solas propped himself up on the trunk of a tree. Given his immense skill and experience in manipulating the fade, she was sure he could have run the distance without tiring himself, or fadewalked, but she liked how endearing he was being, making the effort for her. Again, she looked coyly to the side, remembering she stood there in her full nakedness, allowing him to drink up every inch of her. 

“You shouldn’t run off into unknown territory when you are not an experienced Dreamer. If you had disappeared, I might not have been able to find you and you are not proficient enough to navigate through the fade yourself. At least not successfully.”

“What danger could I possibly have run into that I couldn’t handle myself?”

“Anybody could have found their way in and been watching-“ _Ah, I see. Jealousy._

“Like you, you mean?”

“I was looking out for you!”  
"You were looking out for my breasts."

"I couldn't even see them, you were submerged...!"

His voice trailed off as one hand cupped her breast, squeezing gently as the other trailed down her abdomen and between her legs and she let out a loud moan. Her fingers found her most sensitive area and she rubbed smoothy in circular motions while a little gasp escaped from her lips. She stood there, pleasuring herself right in front of him. 

This will definitely get his blood boiling. 

She was exasperated it had to come to this, but if she wanted Solas to man up and take her, then this would have to. 

"What are you doing?!"

She let out soft whimpering moans as her hand glided back and forth over her opening, lubricating her fingers. Then, she looked him square in the eye as she placed one finger inside her pink, rosebud mouth and began to suck, her other hand still gripped tightly on her breast. Another finger followed as she tasted herself, without breaking his gaze. 

His face was dumbfounded, he had no idea why she was doing this or what she was trying to achieve. She began touching herself with her other hand, her fingers still in her mouth and moaning like it was the last thing she would ever do. She could see rage burning behind those beautiful blue eyes, the idea of her getting pleasure from anyone but him drove him crazy, and she had yet to call out his name. 

_Can I really do this to him?_

Suddenly, as if she had lost all control of her body and mouth...

"Ah, Cullen!" 

_Priceless._

She knew if Solas was devoid of any emotions, jealousy was not one of them. She wanted passion and burning desire, and if she could not get it from love, she would get it from hate. Her own selfish desire to be satiated overtook any feelings of remorse or sympathy, as she pleasured herself to him, calling the name of another. She would push him to the edge, make him lose control and she would be there to take it, to take him, however he came. 

"Yes! Ah, yes Cullen! Fuck me!"

His face was a picture. He looked as though he had been punched square in the face, but between throwing her head back in ecstasy and clenching her eyes shut, she managed to catch a glimpse of his eyes, and behind the shock and hurt, she could see the admiration. 

She had already won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was partly inspired by a kink-meme fill I read, I'll try and find it and post a link. I think I got way too into this! Poor Cullen, an unknowing accomplice.


	3. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana finally gets what she wants from Solas, and it's more real than she expected. 
> 
> Smut ensues.

Suddenly it had clicked in his head. Ellana could see the expression on Solas' face change. She knew he understood now, she wasn't trying to hurt him, just provoke him. 

From the other side of the clearing, she could see Solas' outline as the light had suddenly dimmed and they stood in a lilac and pink twilight, the stars more visible now. It was her fantasy, after all. 

He started towards her. Striding purposefully, no, forcefully, thrusting his tunic over his head and tossing it to the side. 

_Oh yes._

"So this is what you want?" His gaze still fixed upon her, not moving from her eyes. There was something sinister in his tone of voice and his eyes burned with desire. 

_Oh yes._

He was getting closer. She saw a glimpse of something protruding from his breeches and she giggled inwardly like a schoolgirl, whilst trying to maintain a calm composure on the surface.

_Yes. Yes, yes, yes!_

It was as though he appeared from nowhere, even though she had just watched him lunge towards her. 

_Yes! This is what I want, yes!_

"Yes!" That one had escaped from her lips. But she didn't care now, he understood her, completely. 

In a split second, he had yanked her hand from between her legs and used it to pull her into him, her soft, silky breasts colliding with his solid, muscular chest. His mouth was hard on hers, full of passion and want this time. It seemed he really had lost control now, for in one swift motion, he bent down grasped her ankle and pulled it violently towards him, sending her thumping to the ground, landing on her back. She had expected to hurt herself, but remembering where she was, she just laughed. 

"I can assure you this is no laughing matter."

He seemed to have taken the Cullen-thing to heart. It was obvious he was smitten with her, but she had Solas now. He was all the man she needed, despite being 100% elf. 

Without warning, he grasped her calves and threw her legs over his shoulders and lunged towards her centre. His hands moved underneath her back and grasped around her ribcage, pulling her closer to his face. The ground was surprisingly soft, despite supposedly consisting of dirt and twigs. Before she had time to consider this, his face was buried between her legs.

Suddenly, she found herself in bed again, eyes wide open as her body jolted awake and she sat bolt upright. Though not fully conscious, she could hear determined footsteps approaching her bedchamber. She turned her head just as she saw him appear at the top of her stairs. Her whole body tingled with ecstasy as she embraced the moment she had been waiting for. 

He didn't say a word, he didn't even have to. There was a second where they both regained their breath, staring at each other through the darkness. 

Within an instant, he was looming over her yet again, but for real this time. He planted a firm kiss on her lips and proceeded down to continue where he left off. He needn't undress her, she hadn't been wearing anything to bed that night. 

She could only see the top of his head and his pointed ears brushing against her thighs, but she caught glimpse of his eyes tightly shut and heard muffled moans that vibrated her core. 

Solas' tongue darted from left to right, and parting her lips to slide over her most sensitive area. He circled her clitoris with the tip of his tongue, causing Ellana to cry out briefly and arch her back, hands clasping at the pillows behind her. This only excited him more as he began squeezing her legs and forcing himself closer, so his whole face was buried between her legs. 

He went lower, sucking at her lips and teasing the rim of her opening with the flat of his tongue, taking care to brush her clitoris with the end of his nose, something that made her squeal, as she felt the waves of pleasure crash over her whole body. 

He was devouring her, as though it would be his last meal. 

_Mythal! Andruil! June! Thank you! Creators, thank you!_

She hadn't realised she had said this under her breath as she felt Solas chuckle, his warm breath turning cold on her dripping wet sex. 

Slightly embarrassed, she felt compelled to control herself, remembering it was his turn to let go. 

_No, I've waited long enough for this._

Feeling satisfied he had excited her enough with his licking, sucking and kissing between her legs, Solas proceeded to push behind her thigh, so her knee was level with one of his pointed ears. 

She could feel the wet head of his throbbing member gently graze her hyper-sensitive, swollen lips. His piercing blue-grey eyes bore into her skull, almost reading her thoughts as he hovered, just outside of her, waiting. Just waiting. 

The tingling between her legs was unbearable, in spite of how wet she was, Ellana worried she would dry up if left out in the cold for too long. But she knew what he was doing, and she had to let him do it. 

He stared at her for another second, before a wolfish grin spread across his face and a fire burned behind his irises. Her brain was a mess, she couldn't think straight. The pleasure he had inflicted on her with his mouth was other-worldly. 

"What are you waiting for?" She said, without really thinking. Her words slurred slightly on her tongue as she struggled to regain her composure. 

"What do you say?"

"What?" 

"What do you say, vhenan?" He asked her, patronisingly under his breath. 

_You’ve got to be kidding me._

"Please?"

"I'm sorry, what was that?" 

"Please!" She whined. 

He smiled, and before she knew it he had slid two fingers inside of her, prying her open and writhing, searching for that sweet spot that would make cry out for mercy. 

"I thought..." She uttered, between erratic breaths. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you say please." Sarcasm was dripping from his voice, much like the wetness dripping between her legs. 

"I said please!" She nearly screamed.

"You must not have said it loud enough."

_Fuck you._ She thought. Although she didn't really mean it. What she really meant was _fuck me._

His fingers worked smoothly like clockwork, never pausing or catching, constantly working, curling and pushing upwards against her walls, triggering a satisfying burning sensation that spread all the way to her toes. She was writhing, helpless before him and she hadn't even touched it yet. 

Ellana could feel her insides clenching, Solas could feel it too because every time her walls tightened, he threw his head back, letting out a small, satisfied sigh that resembled a wolf howling at the full moon. 

She could feel her climax approaching, but she didn't want to finish alone. 

_Okay, you've had your fun. Now it's time to get down to business._

But before she could protest, he pulled out his fingers, slick with her wetness and inhaled deeply, taking in her musky scent. Any part of her that wanted to be embarrassed was quelled when he put his fingers in his mouth, tasting her once more and savouring every last bit. 

He sighed deeply, as he leant over her once more, his palms flat on the bed next to her shoulders and began to trace the lines of her body with his eyes, starting at her legs, pausing over her breasts and continuing up to her golden locks, which were surprisingly dry given her earlier dip in the river. 

_Oh wait, yes, this is real now._    
She watched as his eyes took her in, every curve and angle, the smoothness of the skin between her legs, the swell of her breast and the pert, pink nipples that stood to attention under his gaze. He took in the small bones protruding from her slim throat, the angle of her jawline and those bright, yellow-orange eyes that reminded him of the sunset seen on the cliffs at the edge of the Emerald Graves. 

He relied on the element of surprise, thrusting himself into her when she least expected it. She had not gone dry as she had worried, not in the slightest. She was disappointed that she had not gotten the chance to gaze upon his impressive member, as she was sure, by the feel of it inside her, that it was something to behold. Despite her frolickings as a teenager, half clothed fumblings in the woods outside camp, she was not immediately accommodating to him. It was a stretch, but not at all uncomfortable. Her tightness made Solas' eyes roll into the back of his head and his eyelids flutter, as she glanced down his back to his bare behind, chest swelling with a certain sense of accomplishment. 

Ellana could tell he had not expected it to feel this good. She was tight, even by elven standards, and it took a few seconds of adjusting and deep breaths until it felt right. 

"Spread your legs for me." 

His candour took her by surprise, but she obliged, with the help of his strong, slender hands pushing gently on the inside of her thighs. She could tell he wanted to be caring, place on her a shelf like a precious doll that one never takes out of the box, but she longed to reignite that animalistic, carnal fire that was burning in his eyes just moments ago. 

"Fuck me."

"I'm sorry..?"

"Fuck me! Or are you not man enough?!"

By the look on his face, she could tell he was instantly reminded of her pleasuring herself in the middle of the clearing, calling out Cullen's name. He started thrusting, the look of burning desire now spread across his features as he buried his face in her golden curls, normally pinned up in intricate braids. 

He was thrusting hard now, inwardly he feared any harder would hurt her, but he longed to fulfil her desires as he heard her voice echoing through his mind, as though from a distance "Fuck me Solas. Harder. Please, go harder!" 

He obliged, but not wanting to cause her pain, he grabbed her soft behind and thrust her upwards, forcing her to put her legs over his as she now straddled him upright, faces still touching, his panting breaths lightly blowing strands of silken hair from her face. Nearing her climax, she threw her head back and let out a guttural moan that bounced off the stone walls as she felt him slip in and out of her. He held her up, one hand on the back of her neck fisting her hair and the other on her hip, thrusting violently yet rhythmically, not wanting her to do any of the work. 

How noble, even in this undone state. 

Ellana could see he was coming undone. His eyes fixated hungrily on her breasts as they bounced in front of his face, he suddenly lunged forward and began sucking hard on her small pink nipple. She cried out from the pleasure and he thrust harder. She was astounded how he controlled the situation, simultaneously moving her up and down while pleasuring her breasts. She could feel it building, deep in her abdomen with every thrust she felt his solid member grazing past her favourite spot, it was washing over her. The tingling burning sensation that touched every nerve ending in her body. 

Suddenly, he bit down hard on her nipple, a shockwave that reverberated through every muscle, sending her over the edge and crashing back down to earth. She could see spots of colour under her eyelids as she involuntarily threw her head back, arched her back and screamed as though nobody could hear. 

He finished shortly after, but long enough that she was able to compose herself to watch his pale, pointed face and soft features contort into a pained expression, fingernails digging at the soft flesh on her back, as he filled her with hot, sticky fluid that nearly sent her over the edge again. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her fingers fumbling in the darkness, with one hand clutching at her breast, her skin was still radiating warmth from the hot bath. She came, just like she had remembered, but this time there was no one to share it with. 

_See, that was better._

The release had left her aching muscles in much needed relief, her entire pelvis felt loose and the dull pain in her lower abdomen had subsided. With her climax came the sudden realisation that she was alone and that Solas really was gone. She had remembered their love making with painfully intricate detail, but it still wasn't enough. He had been gone for nearly four months now, and she still pined for him. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She came down the next morning, slightly embarrassed in case anyone had heard her solo performance of the previous night, but that feeling soon faded when she was bombarded by the usual requisitions, reports and meetings. 

She still felt better from the night before, the bath had soothed her muscles and the orgasm had certainly helped. She chuckled inwardly, reminding herself that she didn't need a man to service her, she could have enough pleasure without one. She had learnt that the hard way when Solas had abandoned her. 

She strolled briskly into the commander's office, glad to get out of the direct sunlight that made her squint. 

"Is there anything I should know?"

"Not at present."

He had become increasingly awkward since Corypheus had been defeated. Perhaps it was the sense of impending doom that faced the Inquisition. Somehow, knowing all of it was coming to an end was not comforted by the memory of their victory. 

Suddenly, she remembered her recollections from the previous night, what had driven Solas to take her in the first place. Slightly embarrassed, she looked sideways as the muscles between her legs clenched and her breasts swelled. 

"Is everything all right?"

The sound of his husky voice jerked her from her thoughts, as she hurried to recompose herself. She did not wish to fall apart in front of Cullen, let alone accidentally divulge her new evening hobby. As embarrassing as that would be, it was not half as embarrassing as the prospect of pleasuring oneself to an ex-lover. Even less so, pleasuring oneself to an ex-lover, thinking about the time you pleasured yourself in front of your ex-lover, calling out the name of the person standing before you. What a mess. 

She cleared her throat, "yes, everything's fine. I should be going."

"Another time, then."

Phew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my changing of tenses wasn't too confusing, I tried to make it as clear as I could. In case you hadn't noticed, my Inquisitor is a little firecracker! But still ultimately kind and sweet at heart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! My laptop charger broke..

Several weeks had passed since Ellana’s last lustful night alone. The pain in her abdomen was not subsiding, and her breasts began to feel swollen and heavy. Wearing clothes, let alone armour, had become uncomfortable and a chore, such that she would have preferred to stroll around Skyhold in her naked glory, than spend anymore time with her breasts bound underneath brass buttons and leather. 

Despite eating very little, her breeches were beginning to tighten around her waist and her appetite subsided even more as she felt self-conscious from the weight she was gaining. It was obvious now - so obvious - yet Ellana lived in denial. The voice in the back of her head kept telling her to visit a healer or a Chantry sister, but she could not face the judgement and shame from a religious fanatic right now. 

The inevitable was coming, and despite being surrounded by friends and allies, and in spite of the new companion that resided in her womb, she felt more alone than ever. 

The knowledge of her condition only made it harder to accept Solas' departure. Before, she had been having fleeting thoughts of Cullen, naked in the war room, standing in between her legs as she was clothed only in his fur, had been penetrating her consciousness. Images of her bent over his desk or him sat in his office while she pleasured him with her mouth, had been haunting her like the morning after a dark nightmare. The temptation had burned between her legs, but not anymore. Now, she felt nothing but emptiness, ironic, given the fullness of her breasts and belly. 

She knew she couldn't stay in Skyhold. Solas was gone for good, and she had given up any hope of ever finding him. Searching the fade was futile, and Leliana's spies had returned nothing. The Inquisition needed a leader, not a lonely, hormonal wreck who was frequently caught crying alone in the pantry over a bottle of Antivan port. It was that one night that she awoke, mid dream and had made up her mind. She threw a few clothes and healing potions into a bag and snuck past the guards, taking a Ferelden horse and leaving her beloved Wild Hart behind, for fear of being recognised outside of Skyhold. 

She wasn't recognised even in Creswtood. She kept her head down and hood up. Her lack of Vallaslin made it easier for her to pass as a city elf, so she made her way further south and eventually settled in Redcliffe. She thought it almost too obvious for them to look for her there. _Hiding in plain sight._

Ellana knew that there were those who would be aware of her location already. Leliana in particular, she thought, would already have a network of spies in Redcliffe, keeping a close watch on her. She also suspected that Leliana knew the reason for her disappearance, she didn't miss a trick, especially now that Cassandra was gone and Josephine was busy, and she had far more time on her hands. 

She settled in a small cottage on the outskirts of the village, near the water. She didn't know how long her hibernation would last. Weeks? Months? Years? Without consulting a healer, she had little knowledge of how far along she was, only that her belly was easily the size of a melon and she could no longer straddle a horse. 

As the weeks turned into months, Ellana settled into her new village life. She heard rumors from the Inquisition, namely that the Inquisitor was ill and on bedrest after the strain of defeating Corypheus, and that she would be sure to recover in the coming months, in time to prepare for the inevitable Exalted Council that Divine Victoria constantly attempted to put off.

When it reached the point where she could barely stand without assistance, Ellana hired a young elven woman from Val Royeaux to assist with the day-to-day running of the house. Slightly upset with herself for having elven 'help', Ellana came to think of Brinna as more of a housemate, and tried to put as little work on her as possible. Mainly, she tended to the small vegetable garden and ran to the town for errands, while Ellana tried to keep on top of the cleaning and cooking as much as possible by herself. 

She had brought plenty of coin to last her for at least another year, maybe two of she lowered Brinna's salary, and soon she had no plans to return to Skyhold. She couldn’t bear to bring shame upon the Inquisition, particularly after all of Josephine’s hard work, but most of all she couldn’t bear to face Cullen. Despite his sweet and forgiving nature, she couldn’t help but think of his face twisted into an “I told you so” sort of look. Ellana had accepted her fate, she would be bound to this live forever now, just as she was bound to the Inquisition initially. 

Ellana’s cottage was small, round and wooden, like most in the village. The front door creaked as it opened and the one room that made up the entire first floor consisted of a rickety old rocking chair, a stove, a table with two chairs and a shabby green rug on the floor. Stairs spiralled about a quarter of the way around the room, leading to the upstairs bedroom, which was simply a double bed and as of recently, a small crib adorned with soft white blankets and a pillow. 

It was in stark contrast to the grandeur of Skyhold, and even more so the Winter Palace at Halamshiral, where Ellana and Solas had enjoyed their first dance together. Yet, it suited her needs perfectly and she felt more comfortable here than she had anywhere else since leaving her clan. Perhaps it was the wood, able to absorb the heat of the summer without becoming a furnace, and keeping out the chill of the cold at night unlike Skyold’s unforgiving stone. Whatever it was, it made it easier for her to stay here. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

Brinna had said that she was leaving that morning to visit a supplier in the Crossroads, and that she’d be back by nightfall. Ellana was busy keeping herself occupied by dusting like she normally did, and tending to the vegetables. As she bent down to pull a particularly stubborn carrot, a sharp pain seared through her belly as a release followed by a sudden pressure had come between her legs. She felt dampness running down her legs and another searing pain, this time in her lower back. 

Oh no... I should have stayed in bed. 

Ellana managed to get herself back in the house and up the rickety stairs of the cottage, plopping herself down on the bed with as many towels and sheets as she could find. She seemed unperturbed at first, until a shockwave of sharp pain tore through every muscle in her body, and her stomach felt like it was closing fists around her spine. She maintained steady breaths, determined to remain strong and in control throughout the process. This pain felt different than any she had experienced before, and she began to realise that this could be the real thing.

She groaned in pain as a sudden panic struck her. 

I'm alone. She thought. I'm going to have this baby and I'm alone. 

She only knew about childbirth from what she had witnessed in her clan as a child. Births were infrequent in such a small clan but she had seen and heard enough to know it would be messy. 

Ellana didn't even know how long she lay there. The muscles in her belly contracted as hard as rock, and the searing pain between her legs worsened with every minute. She couldn't even lift a hand to dowse the cold sweat dripping from her brow, but she had managed to bring a small piece of rope upstairs with her which she put between her teeth the bite into when the pain was too much. 

The sun had started to set and she wondered why Brinna wasn't back yet. She already knew that the brunette, pointed elf was one of Leliana's spies, and Brinna probably knew that she knew, thus so did Leliana. Perhaps that's where she was, caught up on some secret mission for Sister Nightingale. 

Her thoughts were cut short as another sharp contraction tore through her lower body. She was at the edge, and not in a good way. She felt herself slip in and out of consciousness and she knew it was the end. She would die here, alone and unheard, and not live to see her child grow up. 

Cold sweat. Nausea. Blood, then black. Then pain, blood, then black. Suddenly, something Solas had said to her months before echoed through her head. 

_“Harden your heart to a cutting edge…"_

_Harden your heart. Be strong. You can fight, you know you can fight._

She pushed through the pain, her face twisted in agony.

 _...and put that pain to good use..._

Put the pain to good use. That's what she thought. Utilise this pain, the pain of being alone in childbirth, abandoned by the father, isolated from her friends. 

_Harden your heart…_

When she awoke it was dark. 

Brinna leaned over her, dabbing at her brow with a cold damp cloth. Realising what had happened, she sat upright, panicked. 

"Where-?"

"Shh" Brinna said soothingly. "It's okay. Relax"

"But what about-?"

"It's a boy!"

"A boy?" 

"Yes." Replied Brinna. Brinna never smiled, even when there was occasion for it. Ellana imagined she had learned this from Leliana. 

“How did you-“

“I used to be a chantry healer. Dealt with this sort of thing all of the time.” said Brinna matter-of-factly. “Sister Leliana recruited me about a year ago.”

Ellana's heart swelled with pride when she placed the small infant on her bare chest. _Hanin._ She thought, for he was so glorious. Any thoughts of Solas were instantly quelled when she heard the small infant hiccup, and begin to cry. 

"Shh, it's okay da'len. Don't cry."

Any reservations she had about being a parent vanished in an instant as the small child latched on her breast and began to feed. If she felt the burden of the world relying on her before, this was unimaginable. A life she was truly responsible for. 

_Henry.._ She thought. Despite his pale, smooth skin, she didn't want him to be an outcast in a human dominated world. Henry “Hanin”. Surely it was okay to have a human name and an elven name? She didn't care either way, for names seemed so irrelevant when he opened his eyes for the first time and they were an icy shade of blue. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next few nights she had little time to dream. Awake every few hours to a screaming infant, Ellana had never been more exhausted. She had sent word back to Skyhold by way of Brinna, and she eagerly awaited response from Leliana, who had demanded to know the name, sex and weight of the child as soon as she heard the news. 

Leliana had known all along, and had no doubt been awaiting this day for months. With Brinna away delivering her message, it was just Ellana and baby Henry alone in the cottage. Time she cherished, despite feeling like she had a missing limb without the help of her trusted nanny/spy/housekeeper. What a job description. 

She sat perched on the wooden rocking chair she had acquired from the market, and slowly rocked Henry to sleep, his chubby arms tucked up against his pale face. Ellana had largely ignored the resemblance to his father, save for the baldness of his little head. Needless to say, she was relieved when he sprouted small tufts of light brown hair. 

She sat cradling him for at least an hour, watching his eyelids droop and his head lull back as he gently drifted off to sleep. She wasn't sure how she would ever return to the Inquisition, when all she wanted to do was stare at him and his perfect pointed ears all day. Leliana had insisted she return as soon as she felt she was able, but probably knew deep down that might not happen. 

She planted a soft kiss on his sweet forehead and took in his light scent. Milk and elfroot, with a hint of violet. She had placed them on his crib the first day they spent together, she had found them growing outside the cottage and the soft petals had reminded her of his skin. 

She began to drift off herself, her long caramel locks curled down past her swollen breasts and onto her delicate waist, now not so refined and chiseled but soft from carrying her son. 

_I still can't believe it. Through all the hurt, the pain and heartache, this little miracle lies in my arms to soothe my broken soul._

She leant back and gently closed her eyes. 

_Well done vhenan. You are so fierce. But you know I would never let you die alone..._

His voice echoed in the depths of her consciousness. 

_Harden your heart to a cutting edge._

Solas?

_Harden your heart..._

She was jolted awake by a sudden knock at the door. Henry started to wail, and she lifted herself off of the rocking chair to see who it was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the others, but I felt like it deserved its own attention!

She opened the door and there he stood. 

In all his tall, muscular glory. 

_What..?_

He stared down at her, his yellow eyes a similar colour to hers, if slightly paler. He didn't have the flaming orange ring that she did around her pupils, but it still felt like he held a small piece of her. 

_How can..?_

His golden hair glistened in the sun as he stood in her doorway and his eyes darted to the small, noisy bundle she held in the crook of her arm, balanced lightly against her hip. 

"Cullen..? What are you doing here?"

He stared, transfixed at Henry's little face, namely his pointed little ears. Panic began to set in, as she realised how much of a shock this must be. Perhaps Leliana really had kept her secret for her. 

"I- Inquisitor, I-"

Cullen could barely get the words out of his mouth. Ellana looked at the small scar on his upper lip that she had always secretly thought was sexy, and saw it quivering as he stuttered and mumbled nonsense at her. 

"Cullen?" 

"Yes, Inquisitor, I erm... Leliana has instructed me to... sent for you to... ahem" 

"Why don't you come in for some tea?" 

"Yes, I mean thank you. I will."

She had always enjoyed Cullen being this nervous around her, but she had dreamed it would be because of her appearing from the shadows of his office, naked in front of him, beckoning him towards her. She felt awful at making him feel this way, and deep down she thought she could hear his heart breaking. 

They sat opposite each other in the small living room of the cottage, in front of a roaring fire as the crisp, winter sun gleamed through the window and shone a strip of light just above little Henry's eyes, highlighting tiny dust particles in the air. 

"I take it you haven't heard from Solas then?" Cullen said, in a more matter-of-fact tone, now that he had regained some composure. 

"No I haven't, and I'm guessing nobody at Skyhold has either."

Cullen didn't even need to reply, she already knew the answer before she had even said anything. She could see Cullen was looking down at the floor awkwardly, so it was up to her, in her exhausted, uncaring state to break the ice. 

"I've named him Henry. He was born just a few nights ago. I'm sorry if I look a little disheveled, I haven't been getting much sleep."

"Henry? Not an elven name then?" 

"Well" she replied "that's probably what his father would have wanted. So I did the opposite." 

"Ah, I see." He paused. "Inquisitor- Ellana, I-"

"It's okay Cullen. Nobody knew, except Leliana and that's not because I told her. I thought I was just ill, heartbroken. The day I realised, well, I left that night without telling a soul. I didn't want to burden the Inquisition with this, especially not you. Ever since Solas left..."

Her voice trailed off as a catch in her throat stopped her mid-sentence, and she fought to hold back tears in her hormonal state. She had hardly thought of him since Henry's birth, mainly because he had occupied all of her time. She didn't want Cullen to see her like this. Taking a deep breath, she continued:

"I knew what scandal this would cause the Inquisition, and I knew Leliana and Josephine handle things while I was gone, and Cassandra could keep the Exalted Council off our backs. It was just easier this way, I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye but I had no choice. I hope you can understand Cullen, I'm so sorry."

Despite the awkward state of their relationship the night Ellana had left, she felt feelings that had previously been buried suddenluy resurface, and tears once again pooled in her eyes. 

"Of course, of course I understand!" At this point, Cullen had dropped to his knees in front of her, and took her hands in his. His sudden boldness had her taken aback, but she was so relieved to have a friend with her at last that it didn't even matter. 

"I don't blame you for any of this. Any sane person in your situation would have done the same. I just wish I'd known so I could be there for you, we all could have."

His words made her heart swell and caused butterflies in her stomach.

"And if I ever catch that little... Well you know. I'll wring his neck."

She let out a slight giggle, and covered her mouth with her free hand, while Henry gurgled happily, still in the crook of her arm. 

"Let me put Henry to bed. Follow me upstairs."

She had not meant for it to sound so seductive, but Cullen obliged nonetheless. She could feel his eyes burning on the back of her neck and assumed he was assessing the current state of her figure. She had previously the figure of a teenage boy, save for the breasts. Now there were curves to her hips and her behind somewhat resembled a ripe peach. 

They sat down on the edge of the bed, with Henry now snoozing in his crib. 

"Leliana sent me to convince you to return to Skyhold. I don't know why she thought you would listen to me."

"You really don't know?" Ellana replied, genuine surprise in her voice. 

Cullen replied only with a face, frowning with slightly goofy confusion.

"Cullen, you know I care about you."

She felt her words echoing from the time that he had lyrium withdrawals, and nearly pelted her with a box. 

_I like the person you are now..._

And she did like him, very much so. 

"I told you that I liked the person you are now, that hasn't changed. If anyone could bring me back, it's you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading up to this point, especially those who gave kudos and especially especially those who left comments. I really hadn't expected for anyone to be interested in this work so I appreciate each and every one of you! 
> 
> I also understand if it may seem like the story is moving a little fast, but I didn't want it to end up being far too long, so I have started another work which will fill in some potential gaps and satiate you while you wait for more chapters!


	6. Chapter 6

Despite her reservations, Ellana was delighted to be back at Skyhold. 

"Welcome back, Boss!” Bull had said to her, a knowing look passed between the two of them, as if to say that he admired her for returning, even with a newborn infant in tow. 

Josephine cooed over the baby as Leliana kept a watchful eye from the distance. Dorian had already returned to Tevinter and Sera was galavanting with her Red Jennies most of the time, much to Ellana's relief. She didn't want to admit she didn't quite trust Sera around a baby. Blackwall said little, instead preferring to watch Josephine with the baby. 

Life in Skyhold would never be the same again, but as she settled into a routine, keeping the baby in her chambers most of the time in order to avoid arousing suspicion, and alternating shifts with various nannies, the Inquisitor was able to return to most of her duties. Venturing out would have to wait, at least until Henry was able to eat solids, as Ellana was reluctant to employ a wet nurse. 

Cullen visited often, although mainly to see Henry, as scarcely ten words had passed between them since their kiss back at the cottage. They were both ashamed, her for kissing him and him for reciprocating, pressing his tongue down to her throat and squeezing her thigh, while she let out a soft moan that woke the baby. 

She had to confront him, for ignoring it would just make things worse.

His office was exactly as Ellana had remembered it. Scarcely a thing was out of place, save for a small bottle of port where his lyrium kit used to be. 

She was so proud of him, though sometimes she saw a flicker of red pain dart across his eyes, and she remembered his rage, how he lost control and broke in front of her. The fist-shaped indentation was still there in the bookshelf, although the splinters had been sanded away. 

She glanced sneakily up to his bed, her lucid imagination interrupting her train of thought for a few moments. Her memory darted back to the moment she saw him blush in the snow when she had asked him about his life in the Order, and if he had left anyone special behind. 

_Not in Kirkwall…_ he had said. She smiled inwardly before he opened the door behind her and she was pulled back to her senses. 

"Inquisitor. Was there something you needed?" 

She paused before she replied. "Yes actually, I wanted to talk about us. What happened back in Redcliffe..."

The expression on his face made her stutter, she couldn't really tell if it was panic, excitement, or both. 

"Cullen I- We can't do this. Things would never work between us now, not with everything that's happened. I have a son..." 

Her mind suddenly flashed to an image of her bent over his desk, candlelight catching the contours of his perfectly sculpted behind as he cupped her engorged breasts and thrust into her. 

"I mean- What I'm trying to say is-" 

She tried to block the thoughts from her mind, the sensation it gave her between her legs still caused her pain, as Henry was still less than 3 months old. She could not believe it had only been three months since that night, where she felt her life slip out of her. It seemed like another age. 

"I understand Inquisitor. I shan't bother you again." 

And with that, it was over.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They spent the next few weeks distracted by the heavy workload of the Inquisition. Despite the dwindling numbers, Skyhold was still bustling and there were requisitions to be signed off and filled, keeps to be upheld and petty squabbles to be quashed. 

Occasionally, Ellana would catch him looking at her as she sat on her throne, gazing off into the distance, contemplating the day's work. She would look back at him, only to find him deep in conversation already. She wasn't sure where all of these feelings had come from. Perhaps it was meant to be, perhaps she would have had Cullen's baby if Solas hadn't been in the picture. It pained her to think of her son without a father, but it pained her just as much to think that Solas had potentially ruined her one chance at happiness. She loved Henry dearly, with all her heart, he really was her _Hanin_. But she couldn't help but think of the carefree Solas, on his journeys in the fade, blissfully unaware of the chaos he had left in the aftermath. 

The next time Cullen and Ellana locked eyes, she was passing him on the battlements. She had just left the rotunda, where she had been overseeing workers paint over the murals that dominated the walls. One morning, she had strolled through and been reminded of that awkward moment on his desk, her legs spread for him as he slipped off her breeches. 

She had immediately requisitioned for the paintings to be removed. 

As she proceeded to make her way across the battlements, she caught sight of his red cloak and fur from the corner of her eye, and willed herself to walk on past him, retaining all composure. As they passed, time slowed for a moment. She saw his head turn to face her and they locked eyes only briefly. She could have sworn that sparks literally flew, as the air electrified around them only for a split second, and then he was gone. 

That night Ellana was glad Henry was with a nanny, because she was plagued by dreams of Cullen.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a risk and went a bit further with this chapter, but I hope you all enjoy it still!
> 
> Smut and stuff.

He was standing at his desk, back hunched slightly so she could only see the top half of his golden hair over the fur. He was surrounded by soldiers, anxiously awaiting commands. 

Commander. 

She was astounded and grateful she had been able to stay hidden for so long. The naked contours of her body concealed in the shadows. She shivered a little, when she remembered she was exposed. 

"We'll send Leliana's scouts, it will be quicker. You'll help with the relief effort."

"Yes ser." 

"That will be all."

Yes, this is our chance. 

He let out a heavy sigh as the last of the soldiers left the office, closing the door behind them. 

Commander. 

He paused for a moment, as though sensing something strange. He locked the door behind him. 

As he sat down at his desk, a figure emerged. 

"Commander?"

"Maker's breath! You startled me. Inquisitor..."

He had jumped up and turned around to face her, although he could only just make out her silhouette. Ellana had been waiting for this moment for months. Her svelte figure had returned, her breasts were still full but her abs were beginning to show through again and the curvature of her behind was now firm and round. 

She stood still, scarcely moving to breathe, for fear of revealing herself to soon. 

"Is there something I can help you with?" He said uneasily, not sure why the Inquisitor would be in his office at this hour. 

She stepped forth from the shadows, bearing her naked body to him in one fell swoop. He took a sharp intake of breath, as the soft candlelight fell on her creamy skin and she let her hair tumble to her waist in caramel curls. 

Henry was now old enough to sit up and play, gurgling began to sound more word-like every day, and Ellana now felt confident to leave him with a nanny for short periods of time while she ventured out. She knew time was running out, as the prospect of dissolution at the hands of an Exalted Council became an ever present reality. If she didn't act now, she might not get another chance. 

She had been gradually testing her body's limits since giving birth, flexing herself into positions that normally came naturally to her, her roguish movements swift and easy as she darted between pray, daggers flurrying. She had also been testing herself in bed, touching the spots she used to love and hoping they still felt the same. There was no longer pain, and she had been dosing herself with healing potions in order to accommodate what she wanted. 

She was so ready. 

"I- Inquisitor-" Cullen stuttered as he beheld her in his gaze. Was this not the moment he had been dreaming of ever since their first meeting? Ever since Cassandra had introduced him to her as the commander?

"Commander." She replied coyly. She loved calling him commander, and as his way of addressing her became more formal, so she reciprocated, calling him Cullen only around Henry. 

She had left him completely speechless. In the back of her mind, she remembered her time in the fade with Solas, the way her glistening wet body shone in the green, other worldly light. This was different though. This was real. 

"Commander?" She said again more playfully this time, as she took a small step towards him. "Is something the matter?" 

She could see his mouth was so dry he could barely form a sentence. His awestruck expression contorted into a hardened frown. His brow was not the only thing that had hardened. 

She took yet another step closer to him, so she could feel his heavy breath on her forehead, for he was much taller than her. There would be no teasing here, no to and fro, back and forth and no hesitation. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him hard and deeply on the mouth. He made a muffled noise that sounded to her like protestation so she thrust her tongue into his mouth to stop him. Slowly, she felt him relax into her, as his arms came to embrace her and a small satisfied moan protruded from his lips. 

His armour felt coarse against her naked skin, and she began removing as much as she could whilst keeping constant contact with his burning lips. Impressed that she managed to remove his chest plate, she persisted by slipping his cloak of his shoulders and removing any remaining steel from his body. There were no fastenings for Cullen to fumble with, so he just let her undress him, piece by piece, until he stood before her in nothing but his smalls. 

Ellana wanted to behold him, the way he had when she had emerged from the shadows, but her hands momentarily disconnected from her mind and she ran her light fingers along the outlines of his muscular form, pausing only to press her hand onto his solid abdomen, and she smiled with satisfaction in the middle of their kiss. She paid no attention to the throbbing bulge below her, as she wanted to savour this moment and prove to Cullen that this was more than just sex. She continued to kiss him, stood on her tip toes and he bent down slightly, before she moved onto his neck and then his chest, lavishing deep kisses onto his collarbone that made him shiver. 

It had been a while since she had seen his eyes open, and thought that perhaps it hadn't quite hit him yet, as though he had not yet faced the reality of what was happening between the two of them. He let out a small sigh as she rubbed her thumb over his nipple, while continuing to plant kisses across his chest. If she had learnt anything from her relationship with Solas, it was that sometimes it takes losing control, and completely giving yourself over in order for the other person to see how you truly feel. This time, she was giving herself over to Cullen, losing control of herself as she began grinding her hips into his, clasping at his biceps whilst still trying to reach and kiss his neck. 

By this point, he must have understood what was happening, because he put his hands under her thighs and lifted her up, balancing her on his hips, Ellana straddling him for balance. She could resume kissing him on the lips, more deeply than ever as her tongue explored the depths of his mouth in lustful agony. He must have felt her wetness on his front because he pulled her hips even closer to him, so she was grinding herself into him. It was lucky she was so light, and he was so strong as she could have stayed in this position forever. 

"Hold on" he warned. 

"Where are we-?" but he had already hitched her up on his waist as her arms clung around his neck. He carried her like this over the ladder, where he proceeded to climb with her clinging to his front, up to the bed. 

How endearing... She thought. The Commander doesn't want to bend me over his desk. 

She landed with a soft thump on the bed, still with her arms around Cullen's neck as he climbed on top of her. She could clearly see his arousal now, and she had to hold back girlish giggles. The thing she loved about Cullen, is that she didn't know what he was going to do next. Despite his stubbornness, he was gentle enough to be unpredictable, and could make her laugh for hours. 

He continued to kiss her on the mouth, gently at first and then harder as he started to move down her jaw line to her neck. He planted soft kisses on her collarbone, like she had done to him. He took his time to cover every inch of her décolletage, before taking her breast in his hand, the other holding her ribcage. He squeezed softly, his warm strong hands kneading her flesh, but before she could react, he let out a small grunt, followed by a pained moan. She looked at his face and tried not to laugh. 

He's there already! She exclaimed inside her head. He's trying to hold it in, for me... 

Cullen already looked like he was about to explode, but he regained composure to resume kissing her chest, only stopping to breathe. His nose brushed over her nipple, which sent shivers all over Ellana's body, and he noted how her back arched and hips moved upwards towards him and she let out a small moan. He had a clear idea of what to do now. 

Taking a breast in one hand, he used the other to roll her nipple through his index finger and thumb, pinching gently so he could hear her squeal, which just made it harder for him to keep control. He let her grind her hips on him, occasionally feeling the wetness between her legs brushing his skin, which he tried to ignore so he could concentrate, but it just reminded him how much she wanted him. 

He squeezed her breast a little harder, only stopping when he heard her exclaim. 

"Oh!" 

"What's wrong?" 

She had began to leak slightly from her nipple, a bead of white fluid trailing down her breast and stopping at her ribcage. Cullen saw the embarrassment on her face despite the dim lighting, and felt a pang of guilt for her son who was being watched by a nanny. 

"I'm sorry..." she began to mumble and she clawed at the sheets to protect her modesty. Cullen immediately put his hand to her chin, and lifted so her eyes met with his. 

"It's okay.” he said, in a tone that soothed her instantly, commanding, yet reassuring. To her surprise, he took his finger and wiped away her milk, before placing his finger in his mouth and tasting. Ellana should have been shocked, maybe even horrified, but truthfully it turned her on. She kissed him hard now to distract his attention from her dripping breasts.

She could have kissed him for hours, but they both knew that it wouldn’t stop there. 

Cullen continued to kiss down her body, attempting to cover every inch, but dancing around her breasts as he could feel her embarrassment through the sheets. He finally reached her belly button, and continued down, following the faint line she now had trailing down her stomach. She assumed he would go down on her, frantically licking and sucking and lapping up her wetness, but instead he placed his head on her stomach and rested there for a moment, his soft golden hair tickling her sternum. He lay there for a few seconds, eyes closed, taking her in. Her scent, the feel of her soft skin against his rough stubble, her slight fingers trailing across his scalp and through his hair. She could feel her hips involuntarily twitching with anticipation, so he pushed on, determined to satisfy her first and leave his own pleasure until last. 

He seemed nervous at the prospect of her most intimate area being in his direct line of vision. She could feel him shaking slightly and thought that perhaps it was his first time doing this in particular. She wanted to offer words of encouragement, but they escaped her. Instead she ran her fingernails up his spine to the back of his neck, hoping to offer comfort without seeming too expectant. He paused momentarily, but it seemed to work, because when her fingers became entangled in his luscious hair, he plunged between her legs, devouring her like a hungry lion devours its prey. 

It was like nothing she had experienced before. Already determined to repay the favour, she let the waves of pleasure crash over her as he firmly grasped her thighs in his strong hands, while gently taking her opening into his mouth. He started by sucking softly, before nibbling gently at her lips and letting his tongue slide up the length of her. His attention to detail was astonishing, for something she assumed he had no experience in. Instead of forcing himself on her clitoris, he explored each area delicately with the tip of his tongue before kissing and sucking softly, and even nibbling if it wasn't too sensitive. 

By the time he was done, she was almost spent. She had let out little whimpers and moans at the feeling of his hot mouth between her legs, but she longed to feel his member inside of her. She had caught glimpses, but was yet to see him in his full glory.

Ellana slid her hands into his smalls, grasping his firm behind with her hand, before letting out a schoolgirl giggle. _Nice bum..._ She thought. _Even nicer seeing it this close._

She hooked her thumbs into the seam of his smalls and pulled down slightly as he stood upright on his knees, of course they were snagged on something. With a look of excitement tainted with anxiety across his face, Cullen released the fabric, allowing it to fall, before raising one knee at a time to let them slip off. 

Yes. 

He leant over her, resting now with his elbows either side of her. 

Yes, thank the Creators! 

She slid out from under him, put one hand on his firm arm and pushed him on his back. Cullen looked slightly bemused, but was in no position to argue. She began tracing kisses down his body again, finding a small trail of hair leading down from his belly button. She ran her hand tentatively up his thigh, brushing past where she wanted to be, to reach his chest. He let out a small shudder, as she narrowly missed him. This time, she got him right where she had wanted to, and began to run her hand up the silky skin of his shaft. Now she was squeezing, picking up the pace as she watched his eyes roll back and he let out a throaty groan. She could tell this wouldn't go on much longer, it had been so long for both of them.

She lowered her head, and brushed the tip of her tongue along his head, tasting his saltiness. 

"Oh, Maker!"

She licked again, this time up the length with the flat of her tongue. He really groaned this time. Ellana wanted to take the time to enjoy him, but knew he couldn't hold on much longer, so she plunged him into her wet mouth, sucking as she squeezed with one hand, the other on his chest. He moaned louder than she expected, almost making her jump, and she gazed up to make eye contact. Her eyes stayed there, examining his every facial feature as her tongue swirled around his head. She waited for him to look down at her, and when he finally did and their eyes met, he nearly lost it. To see her gaze so longing up at him, even from such a compromising position, must have meant she loved him. 

She climbed on top of him now, legs straddling his waist, his thick member resting on her hot opening. Secretly, she had wanted him to be in command. _He was the Commander after all._ He must have read her mind because in a split second, she was on her back again looking deep into his yellow eyes, his golden hair slightly undone and a curl hung in front of his face. He looked her up and done one more time. 

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked earnestly, eyes burning with desire and seriousness. 

She had wished people would ask her that more often, but not in bed. Nobody ever her if she wanted to leave for the Conclave, or if she'd wanted to be Inquisitor, or if she wanted to fight Corypheus. But here was Cullen, asking, after all this, if she wanted to have him inside her. She nodded without saying a word. 

After taking a deep breath, he pulled her by her hips so he was at her entrance, then slid himself inside her. She was so wet and he was so hard that they both yelped simultaneously from the shock and pleasure. This was the first time she'd had sex since having Henry, and she felt a slight twinge deep inside her, one that made her slightly nervous. He gave her a concerned look, but she gave him a knowing look and he continued. He slowly pulled out of her, only to re-enter, more swiftly and more forcefully than before. He didn't even have to ask and he knew she wanted more, her hips grinding into him with anticipation. Their rhythms matched each other perfectly as he thrust in and our of her slick opening as she pulled him ever closer with each movement. 

It was not long before they both felt the heat rising, flushing their faces pink and Ellana began to see the coloured spots under her eyelids again. She longed to look at his beautiful face but before she got the chance, she was involuntarily arched over, mouth open, eyes shut in silent, agonising pleasure. Cullen had done the one thing that he had asked of himself and let her finish first, but before he could release himself inside of her...

"Wait!" She said frantically. 

"What-?" But before he could finish his sentence, she had pushed him out of her with her hands firmly on his shoulders, and he expended himself on the sheets, and a little on her inner thigh. 

Not fully understanding what had just happened, Cullen reached for more sheets to cover himself and hide his embarrassment. 

"Just in case" she said. "I'm sorry." 

He understood now, the stark reality of their actions loomed over them, as he recounted the milk dripping from her breasts, the faint line down her abdomen, the silver hairline stretch marks on her outer thighs that he had only just noticed from a certain angle in the candlelight. He didn't want to use her the way Solas did, and her happiness meant more to him than a second of his own pleasure.


	8. Chapter 8

The days turned into weeks which turned into months. The Inquisition's work mainly consisted of sealing remaining rifts and aiding those who had been affected by the chaos of Corypheus' actions. 

Ellana spent most of her time bent over the war table, examining in intricate detail the map whose lines and faded markings had become so familiar to her. Their work was far from done, yet she felt the sense of inevitable end which left for her feeling less needed than ever. Of course she was needed; Cullen needed her, Henry needed her, but more than anything she needed the Inquisition. Her life had felt so insignificant before the events of the Conclave. She had always been self-aware, acknowledging the meaninglessness of her own existence, a mere drop in the vast, swelling ocean that was the world. Now, her actions moved mountains - quite literally when considering the events at Haven - and her words alone were enough to make Kings and Queens shake in their boots. 

How could she ever go back to living in the countryside, spending her days sewing and chasing after dribbling children? Though her time in Redcliffe had allowed her a period of reflection that she clearly needed, Ellana had been restless and eager to return to Skyhold. Henry had taken up so much space in her heart that she barely had room to love anyone else, but the Inquisition was her child too, and needed comforting when it fell down and scraped its knees. She felt guilt for thinking such things and neglecting her only child, and not to mention Cullen, in this way, but some lingering resentment for a certain elven mage still seeped its way into her heart. 

She hadn't dreamt of Solas for over a year, and it had been nearly two since she last saw him. Henry was tottering around on his chubby feet, chasing the nugs that Leliana had kindly gifted him. He squealed with delight when Cullen burst into Ellana's chambers and lifted him above his head, before letting his wet face snuggle into his neck, little fists bunched up in his fur. Ellana cared not that Solas missed these moments, that it should have been him in Cullen's place. Unlike Solas, Cullen had no illusions about his role in their lives, and had no intentions of changing that without her permission. He couldn't even pretend to be Henry's father, as soon as anyone caught sight of his ears they would know. 

Ellana was confident enough in her own judgement and abilities that Henry would have a happy and carefree childhood, regardless of his father's presence or lack thereof. Once he was old enough, she planned on telling him his father perished in the battle against Corypheus, this would at least give him more honour and pride than the truth. She couldn't bare the thought of him feeling abandoned, insignificant and unworthy, the way she had felt when Solas left.

Cullen had asked her to meet him in his office, a strange hour as most were now off to bed. 

_I know why he's asked me here._

Ellana's mind always wondered to the bed when she was here; the countless nights they had spend together, their love-making sessions that had lasted for hours and then falling breathless into each other's arms as they savoured the precious time they had together. Cullen had become more bold as their relationship progressed, leaving love bites and bruises on her soft skin and twisting her into positions she hadn't previously thought possible. He seemed to grow into the position of Commander in the bedroom quite comfortably. 

Her mind snapped back into reality as she heard the door open and Cullen say: 

"Inquisitor! What are you doing here?" 

She tilted her head to the side, put one hand on her hip and cocked an eyebrow. 

"You asked me here, don't you remember?" 

"Oh yes, of course. Shall I get some tea?" 

She continued to look at him, now both eyebrows raised with a look of impatience on her face, not saying a word. Nervously, he rubbed the back of his neck and looked away.

"No? Perhaps.. no never mind. I brought you here to ask you something. Why don't you take a seat?" 

Ellana continued to look into his eyes, the expression she wore was similar to the one she used when Henry threw a temper tantrum because the nanny had taken away his Orlesian chocolates. 

"Maybe I should take a seat instead. Wait, no you should be sitting-" 

"Cullen just sit the fuck down!" She rarely swore but when she did, he knew not to protest. Her patience was wearing thin as the heat built up in her lower abdomen and she began to clench between her legs. He sat down on the chair behind his desk without saying a word. The chair was a recent addition, now that much of their work involved reading reports and signing papers. 

"Ellana I wanted to ask... would you-" He began to say in a low, quiet voice, his eyes darting towards the door, and then back at her. She took this as an indication of what was coming next. She pressed an index finger softly on his lips, her fiery eyes sinking into his amber ones. 

"It's okay, we won't be disturbed. Most people have gone to bed now and Henry's taken care of..." 

She noticed a thin sheen of sweat appear on his forehead, glistening in the soft candlelight. She always used to make him this nervous, she recalled the first time they kissed just after Henry was born and their awkward journey back to Skyhold. She couldn't recount how many times he'd rubbed the back of his neck and cleared this throat. 

"...So let me take care of you." 

She slowly sank to her knees, not breaking eye contact and began to unbutton his breeches. Still shaking from the anxiety, he tried weakly to brush her hands away, but she resisted. 

"It's okay Cullen, you deserve this."

Having apparently lost control of his body, he lifted himself up slightly using the arms of the chair to allow her to pull down his breeches and smallclothes down to his knees. She looked down puzzled, and looked back up at him with a look of concern now on her face. He panicked, only making him more flaccid. 

"Did I do something wrong? Do you not want me?" The words had escaped her mouth before she had the time to think them through and she instantly felt ashamed of how desperate she sounded. 

"No! It's not that, I just-" 

She took his hand and lifted it to her breast, her fingers over his and squeezed hard. Shivers raced down his spine and his throat was dry, making him gulp painfully. 

"I want you to have this Cullen, as a way of saying thank you for everything you do for us. You deserve to relax and I want to be the one to make that happen."

He opened his mouth to speak but before he could, she had climbed onto his lap and straddled him in the chair, unbuttoning her tunic and slowly grinding her hips into him. 

"Cullen if you don't want this just tell me!" 

He could hardly bring himself to speak as the two words echoed around inside his brain. He began to panic more, as the pained expression in her face made him guilty, and he wanted to give her what she craved to satiate the aching between her legs. 

_Marry me. Marry me. Marry me._

It was why he had asked her here in the first place. He had planned to take her on the battlements, overlooking the snow capped Frostback Mountains, sun beaming down on her golden hair that she often wore down in curls now, at his request. He had not yet decided whether to go on bended knee, or whether to hold her close and whisper softly in her ear, proclaiming his undying love for her as his warm breath on her neck made her moan softly. Would she cry, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth as she giggled silently with glee? Would she roll her eyes, and tell him they didn't have time for that sort of nonsense? 

Or would _he_ get in the way? That blasted elf mage who had broken Ellana's heart and left his own son without a father. 

_I'm sorry._ She would say, _just can't Cullen. Not after what happened with Solas. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another man again. I hope you can understand._

The thought of it left him sick to his stomach, but he would rather take that risk than never find out, and never take her as his wife. He pictured her standing there in a white dress, professing her love for him in front of their friends and family, maybe even a small bump protruding from her belly.

"Cullen!" 

His eyes darted back to hers, and he could see the hurt in her eyes. 

_Marry me. Just say it you bloody fool, it's two damned words! Just say it!_

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. 

"Cullen if you don't want this just tell me!" 

He could hardly bring himself to speak as the two words echoed around inside his brain. He began to panic more, as the pained expression in her face made him guilty, and he wanted to give her what she craved to satiate the aching between her legs. 

_What were you thinking?! You can't do this now, she's half naked!_

He suddenly remembered where he was, with her straddled on top of him, her groin pressed up against his. His body betrayed him as she began to feel him rising up, hard between her legs as she saw the scar on his lip begin to quiver. The blood flowing away from his head seemed to give him the freedom to articulate, without necessarily having to think too much. Finally, words managed to make their way from his mouth. 

"I do want this, I do. I want you so much!" 

She kissed him hard on the mouth, tongue penetrating his lips and dancing around, teasing the tip of his tongue, an indicator of what was to come. She quickly lowered her feet to the floor and dropped to her knees once again, taking the whole of him in her mouth without hesitation. It happened so quickly, he barely had time to react, save for a deep gasp as his eyes widened. 

"Maker's breath!"

If he wasn't hard before, he certainly was now. He had let go of any plans, any anxiety and despite his predicament, he managed to lean back and let _some_ of his muscles relax. She continued to slide her lips up and down his length, keeping them pressed tightly around him as he began to moan and push her head down with his hand. She lifted her hand to the base of his shaft and wrapped tightly around it but he slapped her hand away. 

"No." He growled in between short breaths. He could last longer this way. The corners of her mouth lifted, and he could see there was a smirk there, as she put both her hands behind her back, mimicking bindings. He was already nearing release, but was nowhere near ready for it to be over yet. He was throbbing so hard and her mouth was so wet around his sensitive head that he couldn't hold on for much longer. Sensing this, Ellana forced her head lower, letting him reach the back of her throat and swallowing so he could feel her oesophagus closing around him. 

He let out a guttural moan when suddenly, the door of the office crashed open with a loud _bang._

"Commander, I have word from-" 

Ellana instinctively slid under the space between the draws in Cullen's desk, still on her knees with her breasts exposed. Cullen spun around, taking his chair with him, the legs scraping on the floor with a horrific screech. His lower half now hidden from view, he scowled at the scout with a murderous look in his eyes. 

"Apologies for not knocking Commander…” the soldier said, bowing his head slightly and raising his fist to his chest in salute, “…but Sister Leliana said she needed those reports by sundown." 

"Get. Out." 

"I'm sorry Commander, I didn't mean to-" 

Leliana had now entered the office, silently, and Ellana wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't spoke. 

"Commander, I'd appreciate it if you don't speak to my scouts that way. It was you, after all, who promised to deliver me those reports by sundown."

Cullen finally had enough blood supply running back to his head to form a sentence: "My apologies. I've been... indisposed." 

The Spymaster took note of the lack of work on his desk and beads of sweat on his brow. There was now mild concern in her voice. 

"Are you unwell Commander? Are you having lyrium withdrawals?" 

"I can assure you, I'll be-" 

Something stopped him mid-sentence. He stuttered, looking down beneath the desk, only to find Ellana slowly tracing a line up the centre of his head with the tip of her tongue. She giggled silently, eyes fixated on his, and continued to flick her tongue up and down until he felt himself throbbing hotly again, small beads of sticky seed emerging from his tip. 

"Cullen! Shall I send for a healer?"

"No!" He said panicking, reaching out to stop her, only to hit the bone of his hand on the underside of the desk. 

"Ow! I swear, I'll be fine. Just a.... ahh!" 

He glanced quickly down again to see Ellana's head moving up and down, her pink rosebud lips sliding along his throbbing member, saliva trickling down it. 

"It's just a slight headache. I'll be fine by m-morning. I just need- some sleeeeep!" He squinted, small wrinkles appearing at his temples and held his head in his hand motioning with his other hand for Leliana and her scout to leave him in peace. 

"Very well Commander. I shall return in the morning." 

"Yes, yes. That's fine, perfect! I'll see you then. Goodnight!" He blurted, nodding his head frantically, but Leliana had already turned on her heel and left, closing the door behind her. Suddenly, he let out an exasperated moan that Ellana was sure the whole fort could hear. 

"Oh sweet Maker! What's wrong with you woman?" 

"Shh..." 

With one last flick of her tongue, she sent him over the edge and crashing back down, hot liquid filling her mouth as she tasted him on her tongue. Slowly, she began to emerge from beneath the desk, elbows resting on his legs as she swallowed theatrically, making sure he watched. She crawled up and sat sideways on his lap, legs over one arm of the chair and arms wrapped around his neck. 

"Please don't do that again" he pleaded, in between shallow breaths, "You might have given me a heart attack."

"Oh come now" she replied playfully, "You just need to have some fun!" 

He nodded, unable to do much else, adrenaline still coursing through his veins as his head finally began to clear. 

"So what is it you wanted to ask me, my strong, handsome lion?" She teased, running her fingers through his fur and leaning her head into his neck. 

"It doesn't matter. It can wait."


	9. Chapter 9

The last time Ellana was at the Winter Palace, Empress Celene had been murdered in cold blood, and she had coerced Gaspard into letting the elven Ambassador manipulate the throne to benefit the elves of Orlais. She was uncomfortable bringing her son here - still barely 18 months old - to such a treacherous place, and dreaded the thought of him becoming entangled in the Game as she had. 

_That ridiculous music again. Is it really necessary? Is it ever necessary?_

She listened only to the hooves of her mount clapping on the stone beneath them, but she could make out Cullen and Josephine behind her. 

"Another parade, another bloody negotiation." 

"Smiles, everyone. We must be careful how we present ourselves."

"Why did Divine Victoria call the Exalted Council? She's kept Orlais from bothering us for the last two years."

_Yes, why had she called the Exalted Council?_

Ellana knew the answer already, but she was not prepared to accept it yet. She would fight for the Inquisition, her Inquisition, with every ounce of strength she had left in her. 

"...Orlais would control us, and based on their many marriage proposals, they have specific plans for you." 

She chuckled to herself, imagining Cullen's reaction behind her. Cullen would never marry, he was married to the Inquisition and his forces. No amount of gold could change that. 

"Our real concern is Ferelden. They would see the Inquisition disbanded entirely." 

_Not if I can help it._

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She had met with Divine Victoria and greeted old friends. Dorian, Varric, Vivienne, Sera, Blackwall... all those who had gradually walked away from the Inquisition and out of Ellana's life. She had laughed in their stories and delighted in their company, but right now she knew who she wanted to be with. 

_He's found a dog. Just perfect._

She approached him knelt on the floor whilst he played with the Mabari he'd seemingly adopted. 

"...They don't breed Mabari in Orlais. The merchant said he was abandoned. Perhaps his owners tired of the novelty?" 

_Perhaps I've tired of you?_

"Tire of you? With that positive attitude and fetching ability?"  
  
_You didn't mean that. How could you ever tire of those golden locks and amber eyes? Those strong arms and sexy scar on his upper lip… Come now, don't be such a bitch. Maker, I’m tired._

Her thoughts turned to Henry. Ellana had left him with his nanny to enter the Winter Palace separately, so not to arouse suspicion. She trusted he would be safe, but her paranoia about the fate of the Inquisition had put her on edge, coupled with the persistent badgering from a certain elven rift-mage in the back of her mind. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. She could walk freely into the Halamshiral without the guilt of concealing her only son and fight for the Inquisition with all her might. Now, she was a nervous wreck on the verge of a mental breakdown, finding comfort only in Cullen. She had him to be thankful for. Anger aside, she loved her little family, and her big family, that was the Inquisition. 

"...Still, I've found certainty in my life now. The Council won't change that." 

Her mind now back with her in the present, she watched Cullen return to his feet and look her straight in the eye. 

"Marry me."

The Mabari barked gleefully at her, but she didn't really hear it. It was a faint echo her consciousness, her ears ringing and palms sweating, 

"What?"

"I mean, will you...?"

She had stopped listening again, her heart racing. 

_Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes. Of course yes, did you even have to ask? Henry would love a step-father, even a human one. Especially a human one! Wait, am I having an Andrastian wedding? I hardly believe in my own Gods, let alone the Chantry’s…What does marriage even mean? Especially between the Inquisitor and her Commander. Nepotism perhaps? June save me…_

"I would Cullen, I will." She looked at the ground, before looking at him earnestly, eyes pouring into his. He could see the apprehension in her face. 

"What is it?"

"Reciting vows to the Maker... that means nothing to me. But I know you..."

"I want your promise to be true."

"People will notice the Inquisitor marrying her Commander in the middle of the Exalted Council..."


	10. Chapter 10

It had been perfect, she had recited her vows to him and he to her. They had embraced, a long and deep kiss, more meaningful than any they had had before, ignoring Mother Giselle stood right by them. 

_Sylaise enaste var araval. Lama, ara las mir lath. Bellanaris._

It was more than Ellana could have asked for, and at last she felt complete. Her worries and concerns about the Inquisition had melted away in that moment, leaving her helpless to his gaze and his touch. They would not have time to consummate their union, but she didn't care. All that mattered now was that he loved her and she loved him. It was good enough for her. She leant over and kissed a sleeping Henry in his cot, and ruffled his light brown curls. She ran her index finger up his pink cheeks and along the ridge of his little pointed ear. Her heart swelled with pride as she remembered how well he was taking this. Not a single cry, moan or fuss since they had arrived. 

Suddenly, a searing pain shot up her arm from her hand. The anchor glowed green and sparked, causing her to jump. She left the room immediately, not wanting to wake Henry and headed to see her advisors. When she arrived, she saw Leliana, Josephine and her new husband stood around the makeshift war table. The whole thing was getting ridiculous, she had barely had time to reminisce about her wedding when she was whisked off through countless Eluvians, pursing a so-called Agent of Fen'Harel. The whole thing baffled her, dead Qunari, ancient ruins, talks of Vallaslin being lifted from the faces of slaves...just like hers. 

She knew. How could she not? The clues were all there, but she could not bare to face him again. Even if it meant the Anchor consumed her. For a moment, she thought she would rather die than pursue him, but regained her senses when she remembered her little son sleeping in his cot, and her husband stood in front of her. 

_They need you. You can do this._

She found her mind had wandered again, panic and rage consuming every fibre of her being. Her mouth answered for her, letting her mind concentrate. Her hand, bolts of green lightning shooting through her veins, piercing her lungs, gauging at the back of her eyes. 

_Go away... just go away. Let me think... I need to breathe. I can't breathe. Mythal help me..._

She screamed, the green light washing over her as she was blinded. White lightning reverberated through her every nerve, puncturing organs, slicing through muscle. Her mind and body disconnected as she felt herself losing control, losing herself, losing everything. 

"Shit! Damn it!" 

Her advisors stared at her in shock. 

"We save Ferelden, and they're angry! We save Orlais, and they're angry…”

She felt her voice catching in her throat, fighting back tears of rage and pain, all else forgotten in that moment. 

"We close the breach TWICE, and my own hand wants to kill me! Could one thing in this fucking world just stay fixed?!" 

She gasped, and then sighed, the pain subsiding as some of her strength returned to her. She was exhausted, beaten, bruised. Broken. She could see the inevitable coming, she could feel it. For the second time in her short life, she had felt completely alone. Her mind shifted to that night, alone in the dark, relentless pain coming in waves, her teeth biting down into an old piece of rope. The taste of copper filling her mouth as she could taste her own blood in her saliva. She mustered every ounce of strength to push on, fighting at every turn. 

_Harden your heart._

There it was again, the voice. The voice that soothed her despite it making her stomach turn. She took a deep breath, still shaking, and began to speak. 

"I need to get to the Darvaarad. You can all fight amongst yourselves once I'm... Once I'm back." 

She could hear the doubt in her own voice, all of them knowing there was a chance that wouldn't happen. Cullen stepped forward, a forlorn look in his eyes that she'd never seen before. She thought he might cry, but instead he embraced her tightly, rocking her slowly, easing her heavy heart. 

She thought only of Henry, and how this would change his life. 

Leliana, Josephine, Blackwall, Sera, Iron Bull, Dorian, Vivienne, Cole,Varric… they’d all given their lives to the Inquisition. But somehow, she felt that none had given as much as her. Her chance at happiness, at true love, had been sacrificed for an organisation she had not even endorsed. Her son, her first-born, her pride and joy, would now live in constant fear as a result of his mother’s actions. Despite her heroism and ambition, she wanted nothing more than to see the little boy grow up to be a wholesome young man with no expectations, no external pressure, the freedom to be whatever he wanted to be. Mage, Templar, Soldier, Farmer, Fisherman! For all she cared. 

It was assumed that her lifestyle was somehow rewarding; that she relished in her accomplishments of “saving Thedas” and “closing the breach”. Ellana wanted none of this for Henry. Her sweet boy, just a baby with all the innocence the Creators gave him, deserved nothing more than to have the life of perfection and joy that she used to want for herself. She had sacrificed it all to become the Keeper’s First, and then the Herald of Andraste, and then the Inquisitor. All those titles paled in comparison to “Mamae” but it was imperative for her to create something her son could live up to. 

She was all he had, after all. There was no Father there to teach him how to fish, to fight, to farm. No Father to show him how to hunt halla, how to treat women, how to become a better man. It was up to her to set an example that he could be proud of and never live in fear of what the world had come to. It was a lot of pressure on her shoulders, when coupled with the responsibility of “saving the world.” Again. 

It was beginning to lose its novelty.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

She gasped as she turned around, the sight of a Qunari warrior, axe in hand, looming over her. She pushed on, hand crackling and knees ready to give in. She saw it just ahead of her, another Eluvian at the top of the path. She was damned near sick of the sight of them. Then, she heard it. 

"Ebasit kata. Itwa-ost."

She ran, darting left and right, searching for a clear path, following the sound of his voice. 

"Maraas kata!" 

"Your forces have failed. Leave now, and tell the Qunari to trouble me no further."

She heard a yell, and arrived just in time to see the Viddasalla freeze, spear in hand, and turn to stone. He began to walk away, hands behind his back, towards the Eluvian. 

_No! Vhenan..._

She seemed to have lost all sense, the events of the last two years forgotten in the heat of the moment, as soon as she saw his tall, slender frame and pale pointed ears. She wanted to scream, cry, fall to her knees, yell, run and reach out, all at the same time. With all the strength she could muster, she managed to utter one word. 

"Solas."

He turned his head, eyes peering over the fur now draped across his shoulder. As she approached, he turned to face her, and walked slowly over, not speeding up even when she fell to the floor in pain and the anchor crackled and roared. 

In an instant, the pain was gone, and the shock seemed to have jogged her memory, as she remembered who she was and why she was here. She hardly heard him speak, but then he looked at her, almost adoringly, in the eyes and smiled softly. 

"I suspect you have questions."

_Questions? QUESTIONS! I'll give you a fucking question. Did you know you have a son? Did you know you left me pregnant, alone, only to fall into the arms of another man?! Did you seriously think I’d wait for you?!_

Standing up straight, she steadied her breathing, giving her a moment of clarity, before she began to speak. 

"The Qunari were trying to kill you, I wanted to get here first."

"I know. They sought an agent of Fen'Harel."

 _Agent. Ha! Agent my arse._

"I am no-one's agent but my own. I fear the truth is much simpler, and much worse than the Qunari believe."

"You're Fen'Harel. You're the Dread Wolf." 

"I was Solas first. Fen'Harel came later..." 

She had stopped listening. She had known this, yet somehow his admission made everything much more real. All the things she learnt as a child, all the legends were true. Her child, her Hanin, the son of a traitor. 

"...and now you know. What is the old Dalish curse? 'May the Dread Wolf take you?'"

She shook her head in disgust. 

"And so he did."

"I did not. I would not lay with you under false pretences."

And a false identity isn't a false pretence? She wanted to curse him, strangle him, throw him down on the floor and tear the armour from his muscular body. _May the Dread Wolf take you._

_May the Dread Wolf TAKE you! Take yourself, here, in front of me. I want to see you frustrated, humiliated, ashamed, lying naked on the ground..._

She felt a surge of guilt in her chest for thinking that way, she looked down at the band on her ring finger and took a breath. She was eager to punish him, the way he'd punished her. She wanted him to feel the way she had felt all those nights she’d spent alone after he left. There was a battle inside of her, between her head, her heart, her eyes, and her...

"Ellana. I sense there is something you need to tell me." Solas had seen her glancing down at her hand, a flicker of gold danced from her finger, illuminated by the green glow of the Anchor. She could see the hurt in his eyes, but she didn't care. 

"It's been two years Solas. You really expected me to wait for you, not knowing where you were, or if you'd even come back?" 

She didn't even care where he'd been. She already knew, she wasn't stupid. Ellana was wise and well read enough - despite her tender age of twenty-four - to know what he'd been up to and what he was planning. He had banished the Evanuris, the slavers, using the veil, thus disconnecting the elves from their magic and immortality. Now, he wanted to tear down the veil, freeing the slaves, her people, and restoring them to their former glory. After all, he was Solas. Pride. He didn't look so proud now, blue eyes pools of despair and heartbreak.

"I understand that I hurt you, Lethallan. I left without explaining myself, and for that I can only apologise. But I had-"

"Don't call me that. I'm not your kin Solas. Ma banal las halamshir var vhen. Don't tell me you did this to help your people! I know what you intend to do, Solas. You would wreak havoc on this world to ease your own guilty conscience, our people would suffer. I let you into my heart, my bed! I was a stupid fool, ar suledin nadas." 

"Vhenan..." 

"No! I gave you everything Solas and you left me alone and broken. You cannot begin to understand-" 

"I felt your pain Ellana, I guided you. When you were suffering, on the brink of death, I guided you through. Could you not hear me?" 

"Suffering?" She said, the word rolling off her tongue as though she spat poison. "What would you know of my suffering? My husband will suffer, my son will suffer, as they watch the world they cherish crumble around them because of your foolish pride!" 

She was inches from his face now. He could smell the blood and sweat, mingled with light scent of violets and elfroot. She looked into his eyes, with a hateful expression that made him want to recoil. 

"Ir abelas, if there was any other way-" He reached out to touch her hand, but she stepped back, furious, unsheathing her daggers and snarled:

"Ma halam, Solas. Ar tu na'lin emma mi. My Hanin will not be the bastard of a traitor and a liar. He will not know the suffering I have, and you will not live long enough to inflict it upon him." 

Solas paused, taking a step back and surveying her at length. Her chest was heaving, cheeks flushed with rage and hands clasped firmly around her daggers. He knew she meant to strike, but remained calm enough to collect his thoughts, and process what she had said. 

"Ellana, your son... our son? I have-?"

"He will never be your son, Solas. You weren't there-"

"Hanin? Glorious one?" His heart rose and sank so quickly as a flurry of emotions tugged at his insides. He felt desperate, impulsive, impatient. 

My son? 

"Henry! He answers to Henry, I will not have you-" 

"Is he really-?" 

"I will not have you-" She was cut short this time, as Solas took a step towards her, his eyes flaming as he reached out, maybe to strike, maybe not. 

"ANSWER ME!" 

Ellana had never heard him like that before. She had seen him irritated, mournful, even angry, but his bellowing voice echoed through the branches of the trees surrounding them, and she could have sworn she heard the waterfall stop to allow his voice to pass. Her heart palpitated, as real fear crept up her arms and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. _Creators help me._

She knew the Creators would never help her now. June, Andruil, even Mythal was that witch Flemeth. Nothing could spare her from Solas’ wrath if it came down on her. 

Solas could see now the fear and anticipation flaring in her eyes, her knuckles white against the hilt of her daggers. She was hardly breathing and her eyes were fixated on the fists he did not realise he was clenching. He approached her, more slowly this time, and uttered in a softer, low voice:

"Ellana, is he mine?" 

His tone soothed her nerves, and she managed to gain enough composure to answer him.

"He's 18 months old Solas, what do you think?" 

She couldn't read his expression. His eyes were wide as he looked at the floor, hands still clenched in fists at his sides. 

"You, you _kept him from me?"_ His soft expression, pleading eyes and limp, helpless limbs tugged at Ellana's heartstrings. He lifted a hand to her elbow, pulling her closer so she could make out more clearly the scar on his forehead and dimple in his chin.

"You know that's not true Solas. You left me to have a child, alone. Your child, who you chose to ignore. I would have forgiven you for anything. If you’d have just _come back,_ even for him and not for me, I would have forgiven _anything._ But you didn't even ask."

"Vhenan I couldn't-"

"Don't call me vhenan, Solas. You've lost that privilege. Your son will never know you and never love you. He will grow up to see you destroy his world and his family, and he will hate you for it. If that won't make you stop this madness, then nothing will."

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She awoke, on the hard floor of the Winter Palace, the taste of his kiss still on her lips. Her left side felt lighter than it had before, and she could see from the corner of her eye her husband resting at her side, whispering prayers to a God she knew had never existed. 

On the other side of the Eluvian, a broken elf was slumped on the ground, one leg outstretched, the other supporting his head, as he sobbed into his knee, calling her name over and over again. 

She felt nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this far. This was supposed to be the penultimate chapter but I get the impression there should be more Inquisitor/Commander sessions. 
> 
> Check out Tempting Fate, my little prequel which looks like it may be longer than this!
> 
> Also my tumblr, inq-lavellan.tumblr.com I don't post a lot but I'm trying D:

**Author's Note:**

> *translations
> 
> Ma halam: You're finished.   
> Ma banal las halamshir var vhen: You do nothing to further our people.   
> Ar tu na'lin emma mi: My blade will taste your blood.   
> Ar suledin nadas: Now I must endure. 
> 
> courtesy of dragonage.wikia.com


End file.
